Volterra spoof
by jellycakes
Summary: Again, me amusing myself


Reaching Volterra, Alice booted me out the Porsche. "Run Bella, RUN!" She sang, pirouetting in her seat. "Run to the clock tower!" I took off at top speed, punching all the by standers in the face.

"Make way!" I yelled, between gasps of spag bol scented air "Edward Cullen needs saving!!"

My clumsy feet couldn't keep up with the speed I was intending on going, and I could feel my knees begin to buckle "NO, you fucker!!" I cursed, willing myself onwards but it was a wasted effort. Instinctively, I threw my hands out in front, trying to cushion my fall. Grit and pebbles scratched my hands as I skidded and came to a halt. Looking up I was greeted by a kind pair of eyes.

"You poor wee lass." the man with a strange accent said. "What you doing doon there!? Let me help ye!" He reached his blue and white hand out then, a gesture that should have been perceived as kind, but I was in no mood for graciousness.

"Fuck off you scottish bastard! Take your tourism else where!" I moaned, pulling myself up, brushing my knees.

"FREEDOM!!" he yelled, glaring at me. I had no idea what the loon was on about, so I took off again, fast as a cheetah. The clock tower was in view now, and I could see a shadowed area where I guessed Edward would be. Shirt off, chest bare.

"Oooooh, you sexy filth!" I thought to myself, rushing with all my might now.

There he was, the meaning of my life, the apple of my eye, the feeling in my fanny. "Edwardd!!" My throat stung with the use of his name, it had been months since I last said it. "Stop!!" I ran into him, trying out some rugby moves. The tackled failed, he didn't move an inch and I bounced off, my face ploughing into the ground. "Edward!!" I chocked again, yanking the pebbles from my eyes.

"Bella? Carlisle was right, we can go to heaven. Oh, what a joyous day!" He whispered, with a high thrill in his voice.

"You're not in heaven!" I scoffed, smacking his beautiful, velvet, honey, statue of David face"Snap the hell out of it!" He growled a deep menacing growl, far more scary than those wimpy cat noises from the Twilight film. I realised I was up against the wall then, Edward standing protectively in front.

"Aro wishes to see you." Stated a cold, childlike voice, from an unknown source.

"I'll be leaving now, I think. Send Aro my thanks" Edward replied politely, but I could hear the fury in his tone. He, of course would have to know where the voice was coming from. He ate his carrots. Out of the darkness three hooded figures approached. One was noticeably smaller, daintier, the owner of the voice I presumed.

"Jane, Demetri, Felix" Edward said, greeting them, his voice more casual.

"We wouldn't like to use force" The child sneered. I could see her face now, all of five years old and wearing a Hannah Montana top. The two men standing at her side made her look even smaller.

"It would work out best for everyone, if you would come with us now." One of the males stated.

Walking by, I noted he was black and white in colour. Felix, that cat from the cat food advert in disguise, no doubt. He was very tall and his muscles were thick; he made Emmett look like a anorexia victim. I shuddered and Edward clutched me closer. "It will be okay Bella" he whispered, sensing my discomfort.

"You don't know that!" I hissed. What a dumb idea it was coming here, he could outrun them all anyway. I should have stayed with Jacob, had quick sexy time, then strolled back to Edward when he returned. Which he would have. He wouldn't have been able to read my thoughts. Win, win situation. Id have let Alice dress me up, wash my hair, put some make-up on me, she wouldn't have spilled the beans. I cursed myself, realising all of this, but it was too late now. We had began our way to the one named Aro.

The shadow area in which we had been standing, stretched out into a long alley way. I hadn't noticed it on arrival, I was obviously too busy staring at the granite beast beside me. Even now I didn't dare take my gaze away from him. He glanced at me and smiled, but like Stephanie likes to repeat, it didn't touch his eyes. Being my usual blundering self, I skidded on some spag bol left on the street. This must have been what I had sniffed before; what a fabulous nose Rene and Charlie had gifted me with. I'd have to thank them later. We had paused now, and looking down I found a super, massive black hole; like the muse song. "Down you go" Jane sniggered, doing a Disney dance by my side.

"Growwwwwl" I hissed, trying to sound like the Cullen's.

"Bella?" Edward asked, bemused "What you are doing?" I turned to look at him and his face held a tight expression, like he was trying not to laugh. Oh ha fucking ha. Feeling humiliated and not wanting a chance to see the others amused faces, I ripped my arm from Edward's and dived down the hole.

Thudding down on my knees I howled with pain. I heard them all laughing up above as the sound escaped my lips. Dicks. Deciding I hated every one of them, I grabbed hold of the wall and yanked myself up. It was dark and my dumb human eyes couldn't make out the surroundings. Feeling about I began to trudge forward. "Bella" Edward whispered, taking hold of my waist "Where were you planning on going?"

"Away from you!" I spat, trying realise his hands. His low chuckle echoed the space around us.

"Try and behave. This is serious, we may not leave alive. At least you won't, human"

"What? Who is Aro, what is he going to do, what does he want? I thought we were going to see the King of Areo chocolate, or is that a different spelling, tell me Edward, tell me!" The hurried array of questions just kept coming. I felt panicked and disoriented and the darkness certainly wasn't helping.

"Aro is the leader of the Voltrurri, Bella. I thought you were dead, rotten, a goner and so I asked him to destroy me. He refused and I had no other choice but to take matters into my own hands. I was planning on stepping out into the sun, causing a scene. The Volturri would have ended me there and then for definite."

"Destory you! Why Edward, why!?" I demanded. It was the thought of him existing alone that had kept me going the past months. I couldn't bare to think of him not being in this world. Aro, the chocolate man ripping him to shreds, what a disaster. Not just to me, but for all the teeny bopers out there, wanting a piece of him too.

"Later" was all he answered with. We had stopped again but of course my blind eyes couldn't make out shit all. A loud creaking noise make me jump backwards as light filtered in, along with a glorious smell. More vampires must be near. I had almost forgotten about the other three who had been ushering us but I noted they stood behind us now; someone else had opened the door.

"Welcome" came a voice that was not special or thrilling sounding and getting a look at the owner I realised why. She was human, just like me. What the fuck was she doing here. Anger radiated through me; I thought I was the only one in on their secret. Clearly not. "Please wait here for a moment, my master is preparing for you."

Jane and the other two whiteys stepped out from behind us and walked past, entering the room. Edward pulled me along and I could feel the caution in his movements. The room was large in size, a desk at the other end being the focal point. That must be where the human sat, I thought, gritting my teeth so hard one popped out and landed on the carpet. I placed my foot on top of it, hiding the evidence and hoping it was one from the back of my gums.

"Aro is ready for you now" The human smiled, opening another door. I removed my foot from the tooth, but not before I tried to squish it into the carpet more first. The open room was much less welcoming than the last, it was like a cellar and the only light came from candles adorning the walls. At the far end stood a man who resembled a white raisin. His skin was so wrinkly I felt sick. This has to be Aro.

"Welcome, welcome" he almost sang, rushing to greet us. "Ah, Edward. How delightful it is to see you again my boy and this must be Bella" He was much taller than I was and all I could think of was his droopy skin smacking me in the face, I shuddered and stepped backwards. Looking down on me I could see his eyes; deep red. He wasn't a Bambi drinker then.


End file.
